Tag Archives: funny

The Make Me Barf League

This might be the single most nauseating thing I’ve seen in recent memory. It’s a Business Insider story about something called The League and as I read it I kept trying to find the “Parody” sign, both for the story’s subject matter and writing that’s so bad you want to believe it’s purposeful. Sadly, I suspect it’s real. Here’s a taste:

The League, a selective dating app for successful people, launched in San Francisco earlier this year, and a few months ago it launched in New York City.

Stanford graduate Amanda Bradford founded The League and raised $2.1 million to match up highly motivated and interesting single professionals.

The League founder Amanda Bradford, pic from Business Insider

On July 31, The League held a party out in Montauk, exclusively for its selective group of New York users. Actress Mischa Barton was among the party’s attendees…

The attendees had a lot in common — good schools, similar jobs — so conversation came easy for them…

During the first hour of the party, League guests were given an open bar. This undoubtedly made people loosen up…

So what does it take to get into The League? Its users often hold degrees from prestigious schools

To get in, The League uses a secret algorithm that looks at both your LinkedIn profile and your network of friends.

Secret algorithm? Good Lord, all you have to do is check out the article and its accompanying pics to figure out that the service’s secret sauce is based on a time-tested recipe concocted eons ago by a bunch of teenagers. I suspect the algorithm involves a bunch of perfectly coiffed folks sifting through profile pics and saying, “She’s, like, hideous. Oh, he’s dee-lish. OMG, look at that hair!”

I wish I could find something redeeming here, but honest to God it makes me want to move to a desert island.


Suddenly me and my ilk – middle aged guys with semi-maintained middle aged bodies – are trendy, at least according to this item from The Atlantic:

Is “dadbod” a hashtag joke or a social-sexual movement? A bit of both, probably. A month ago at The Odyssey, Clemson sophomore Mackenzie Pearson explained that this “new trend” had “fraternity boys everywhere” rejoicing. “In case you haven’t noticed lately, girls are all about that dad bod,” she wrote. “The dad bod is a nice balance between a beer gut and working out. The dad bod says, ‘I go to the gym occasionally, but I also drink heavily on the weekends and enjoy eating eight slices of pizza at a time.’” In the time since, #dadbod has gone viral on social media, to the cheers of Jason Segel lookalikes everywhere.

It ain’t much, but I’ll take it. #Dadbod owners of the world unite and rejoice!

Ever Wished You Could Just Crap Money?

If you’re really healthy you might be able to make a pretty penny selling your poop:

Some people with Crohn’s disease also benefit from fecal transplants. So a company called Open Biome has been facilitating fecal transplants to patients in need, and paying healthy poopers a hefty sum for their services.

Fecal matter is transferred either through endoscopy or swallowed capsules, and Open Biome has already shipped about 2,000 treatments to almost 200 hospitals, according to theWashington Post. They’ll pay you $40 per sample, plus an extra $50 if you come in 5 days a week (the donations have to be made on-site.) The only thing is, you have to be super-healthy: only about 4% of prospective donors make the cut.

As someone with a decidedly juvenile sense of humor I found this next part to be particularly good:

Open Biome gives their anonymous donors names like Vladimir Pootin, Albutt Einstein, and Dumpledore

Personally I prefer Sir Poopsalot or The Godfather of Poo.

Definition of Lazy – I Can Top It

I came across the picture above on a BookofJoe post with the headline "This, my friends, is the definition of lazy." Of course in my household that's just the first level of laziness. I recently passed by the bathroom in our house that is most often used by our kids and saw a similar setup AND another roll of toilet paper on the floor in front of the toilet. That, my friends, is the definition of uber-laziness.

Too bad I didn't take a picture. 

Fart Psych

Starting with a question – Why do people feel less of a need to fart when they're in public? (I'm paraphrasing a bit) – this writer tracks down the only study he can find on the psychology of farts. He then interviews the genius who conducted the study and is a bit disappointed to discover that no real farts were involved:

The basic question behind this paper is: how does a fart in social context affect a person's views of the farter? In order to study this, Lippman took a bunch of college students, and gave them a series of hypothetical situations in which someone farted. He asked them to rate their opinions of that person.

It's really sad to me that the situations were all hypothetical. This was part of Dr. Lippman's caricature of many social psychology studies being performed at the time, which tended to rely on pen and paper rankings while college students considered hypothetical situations. While it makes for a good caricature, I'm sad to know that my idealized vision of little knots of people with someone letting loose a silent'n'deadly never actually happened. And really, you have to think this would be a hard thing to plan. After all, how many people do you know can release a silent, deadly fart ON COMMAND?

So Lippman had students fill out surveys. In another poke at social psychology (which often involves 3 factorial designs), this one involved a FIVE-dimensional design. Just to go over the top. The variables were the following:

1) Whether you were in a group of strangers or a group of acquaintances.
2) Whether the fart was loud or silent.
3) Whether the fart was scentless or rank (the word used was in fact "rank").
4) Whether the fart was deliberate.
5) Whether the person taking the questionnaire and hypothetically "experiencing" the fart (the fart-ee?) was male or female.

The rest of the read is equally enlightening.

Spencer Needs Help Getting His Face Out of the Mud on Farmville

Bad: Your personal assistant quits.

Worse: She does so in a creative white board slide show emailed to about 20 of your co-workers.

Worser: She lets everyone know you called her a HPOA – hot piece of (use your imagination) – on the phone with someone.

Worst: She reveals how you spend time online, and the majority of that time is spent on…Farmville?! 

Spencer, Jenny's got your number.

Now THAT’s An Introductory Sentence

In school we were always taught that when writing your introductory sentence was key.  Its purpose was to draw in the reader and set the stage for the rest of the paragraph.  I believe this story offers as fine an example of an engaging introductory sentence as you're going to find:

The Brevard County doctor who was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not go to jail.