Category Archives: Satire

Boogeymen

The following is an excerpt from an article titled The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved that Hunter S. Thompson wrote in 1970.  To set the scene he's just landed in Kentucky and is speaking with an annoying Texan he's just met in a bar and convinced that he's a photographer for Playboy:

I shook my head and said nothing; just stared at him for a moment, trying to look grim.  “There’s going to be trouble,” I said. “My assignment is to take pictures of the riot.”

“What riot?”

I hesitated, twirling the ice in my drink. “At the track. On Derby Day. The Black Panthers.” I stared at him again. “Don’t you read the newspapers?”

The grin on his face had collapsed. “What the hell are you talkin’ about?”

“Well…maybe I shouldn’t be telling you…” I shrugged. “But hell, everybody else seems to know. The cops and the National Guard have been getting ready for six weeks. They have 20,000 troops on alert at Fort Knox. They’ve warned us–all the press and photographers–to wear helmets and special vests like flak jackets. We were told to expect shooting…”

“No!” he shouted; his hands flew up and hovered momentarily between us, as if to ward off the words he was hearing. Then he whacked his fist on the bar. “Those sons of bitches! God Almighty! The Kentucky Derby!” He kept shaking his head. “No! Jesus! That’s almost too bad to believe!” Now he seemed to be sagging on the stool, and when he looked up his eyes were misty. “Why? Why here? Don’t they respect anything?“

I shrugged again. “It’s not just the Panthers. The FBI says busloads of white crazies are coming in from all over the country–to mix with the crowd and attack all at once, from every direction. They’ll be dressed like everybody else. You know–coats and ties and all that.  But when the trouble starts…well, that’s why the cops are so worried.”

He sat for a moment, looking hurt and confused and not quite able to digest all this terrible news. Then he cried out: “Oh…Jesus! What in the name of God is happening in this country? Where can you get away from it?”

“Not here,” I said, picking up my bag. “Thanks for the drink…and good luck.”

You know if you replace "Black Panthers" with "Radical Islamists" and "white crazies" with "liberals" you could yank someone's chain in exactly the same way today.

Christmas and Flying Spaghetti Monsters

Remember our little local dust-up about flying the Christian flag at the veteran's memorial in King?  Imagine how nutty folks around here would get if, like Leesburg, VA, we had the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster vying for space with the traditional manger scene.

For the better part of 50 years, a creche and a Christmas tree were the only holiday displays on theLoudoun County Courthouse grounds.

Then came the atheists. And the Jedis. And the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster – each with its own decorations. A skeleton Santa Claus was mounted on a cross, intended by its creator to portray society's obsession with consumerism. Nearby, a pine tree stood adorned with atheist testimonials.

Flying Spaghetti Monster devotees are scheduled to put up their contribution this weekend. It's a banner portraying a Nativity-style scene, but Jesus is nowhere to be found. Instead, the Virgin Mary cradles a stalk-eyed noodle-and-meatball creature, its manger surrounded by an army of pirates, a solemn gnome and barnyard animals. The message proclaims: "Touched by an Angelhair."

Given our recent debates about the Christian flag and the controversy over the right (or not) to carry concealed weapons in local parks, there's a little part of my brain that would love to see what would happen around here if we had a similar setup to Leesburg's.  In that juvenile little part of my head I picture this scene:

Bible-quoting sharpshooters taking aim at spaghetti-eating atheists and agnostics who dive for cover, sending sauce and meatballs skyward during their panic, asking Mama Celeste for help since God's out of the picture until their own contingent of pistol packers can get their firearms unholstered and de-trigger locked to return fire.  Thankfully no one's hurt since none of the participants ever served in the military and thus never received truly effective arms training, although two bullets do somehow hit something – one Christian is saved by the lucky (divine?) presence of a condensed pocket-sized King James and one innocent bystander who picked a wildly inopportune time to squat for a meditation is spared when his tattered copy of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance takes a direct hit. Eventually cooler heads prevail when the Occupy Wall Streeters, who were minding their own business in their designated protest box, step across their chalk line to broker a truce in which the atheists and agnostics provide a spaghetti supper for everyone at the park free of charge, the Christians put on their Christmas production, collection plates are passed and everyone splits the proceeds.

I'd pay to see it.

Unresolutions

Since I never seem to succeed in fulfilling my new year resolutions I've decided to try listing my "unresolutions" in the hope that I succeed in not unresolving.  Or whatever.  Anyway, they are:

  • Gain weight.
  • Get out of shape.
  • Lose money.
  • Lose friends and influence no one.
  • Break everything I touch.
  • Fail miserably at everything I do.
  • Celebrate my laziness.
  • Live slothfully.

I think that covers it.  Here's to a terrible 2010!

My Guess? Hummers Will Be All They Can Be

So GM agreed to sell its Hummer unit to someone, but not telling anyone who it is.  My guess?  The Army is buying it.  Why not?  That will keep the unit "in the family" since the US Government is the majority shareholder of GM.  I also figure the Army can save a ton of money by closing their recruiting centers and moving the recruiters into dealerships (or vice versa) and they can cross train recruiters to be car salesman since the jobs are virtually identical.  And of course they can sell to themselves at cost so you have to figure they'll save some change there as well.  Yep, I'm liking the idea more and more as I think about it.

I’m So Important That John McCain’s Called Me, Twice!

Man, I’m on cloud nine.  My stature has climbed to the point that John McCain, THE John McCain, called me to tell me what he’s up to and why I should vote for him for el Presidente.  I wasn’t home so he left a message, and he wanted to speak with me so much that he called back again ten minutes later and left another message.  I tell you what he’s so good that his second message wasn’t almost identical to his first message.  It was almost as if he was reading from a script.

Since he couldn’t get hold of me Senor McCain is going to mail me something, I think an absentee ballot, that he said I should receive in the next week or so. I can hardly wait!

Standing in for the Winston-Salem Journal

So I woke up and flipped on the TV at the ungodly hour of 5:45 a.m. to check the weather on WXII and see what the youngest should wear to the bus stop.  Had I hesitated a mere three seconds to fully wake up I’d have realized the TV wasn’t necessary as it was raining so hard it sounded like Santa and his mangy reindeer were on my roof four months early and playing a game of soccer.

As I eased into full consciousness I realized that the anchors were talking about the Winston-Salem Journal and so I turned up the volume.  Seems that the Journal is having some issues with its printing press so they turned to WXII to let their five remaining subscribers, me among them, that they need not wade through their ponds yards in search of their paper since they won’t be delivered anytime before leaving for work.  Fully appreciating the irony, and wanting to help my homeys downtown in that bustling hive known as the WSJ newsroom, I’ve decided to provide my fellow readers with a faux-Journal until the Journal’s back on its feet.  Here goes:

  • The following government agencies had meetings last night.  This is what they talked about.  Don’t ask us what it means.
  • Someone robbed someone else.  Police are searching for some suspects, have found others, and will keep us posted.
  • Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center is a big hospital and be sure to read our daily story about something to do with it.
  • Ask SAM features another question pulled from Life in Forsyth
  • Letters to the Editor Summary: If our leaders would just remember that everything they need to know is in the Bible then everything would be good.  Amen.
  • Editorials: Someone did something, and while we think they’re swell and all and we’re sure they’re trying their best, really they’re a bunch of flaming idiots.  Here’s what we think they should do and we know best because, you know, we’re editors. (Isn’t this deliciously ironic considering it’s being written by a guy who spouts off on an eponymous blog?)
  • Business: Krispy Kreme did something.  Reynolds did something.  Wachovia still afloat and really still our hometown bank.  What’s BB&T?  Here’s an AP article about some small business in San Diego, which we’re running because we don’t have any small businesses here.
  • People died.  Some have gone to be with their creator, others are walking peacefully with Jesus, and some are even dearly departed.
  • Virginia Foxx did something and we disagree with her.
  • Sports:  As always NASCAR’s our lead, but we’ll figure out which major development to run under the story about Brian France’s hemorrhoids.
  • Finally our question of the week: If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there to hear it does it really make a sound?

If this doesn’t do it for you I guess you could just go to the Journal’s website.

The Anti Book List

Fec’s done it again.  His list of books he’ll never read is hysterical.  Well, it’s hysterical if you’ve been paying attention to the crapstorm that is the Iraq War and the Bush Administration.  My favorites:

Laura Bush’s My Husband is a Fink

Barbara Bush’s It Should’ve Been Jeb

John McCain’s Retreat With Honor: 100 Years in Iraq

Dick Cheney’s War Crimes Are Your Friend

Doug Feith’s War Crimes for Dummies

Donald Rumsfeld’s War Crimes Illustrated

Americanese for America

You know how some folks in Congress have been trying to pass legislation declaring English the official language of the United States?  You don’t?  Well check out H.R. 769 National Language Act of 2007 and H.R. 997 English Language Unity Act of 2007, they provide some light reading on the matter.  For those of you with better things to do let me tell you that these bills basically attempt to mandate that government business be done in English and to deny naturalized citizenship to those who can’t exhibit enough proficiency to read the English language text of the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution and the laws of the United States.

I’m wondering why our Congress is under-reaching?  I mean hell if you’re going to create an official language do it right.  Here’s what I’d add:

  • Declare that the official language is American.  Why continue to bow to the people who’s butts we whipped over 200 years ago and who we rescued in WWII?  Besides if we declare English as the official language then we’ll have to screw up all our spelling: "organization" would become "organisation" and the like.
  • Once we establish American as the official language then we should make sure that all citizens, even those born here, can read and speak it properly if they want to vote.  If you can’t read then how can you hold these truths to be self evident?  And do you really want a bunch of illiterates deciding who’s going to lead our country?  I mean look where it’s gotten us so far.
  • I also think we should add a minimal language requirement for those who want to seek public office.  We already have a minimum age requirement so why not a threshold for communication skills?  We probably want to add a clause for speech impediments too.  We can only take some many leaders who say things like "nucular".

Yep, I think we have a winner here.