So I woke up and flipped on the TV at the ungodly hour of 5:45 a.m. to check the weather on WXII and see what the youngest should wear to the bus stop. Had I hesitated a mere three seconds to fully wake up I’d have realized the TV wasn’t necessary as it was raining so hard it sounded like Santa and his mangy reindeer were on my roof four months early and playing a game of soccer.
As I eased into full consciousness I realized that the anchors were talking about the Winston-Salem Journal and so I turned up the volume. Seems that the Journal is having some issues with its printing press so they turned to WXII to let their five remaining subscribers, me among them, that they need not wade through their
ponds yards in search of their paper since they won’t be delivered anytime before leaving for work. Fully appreciating the irony, and wanting to help my homeys downtown in that bustling hive known as the WSJ newsroom, I’ve decided to provide my fellow readers with a faux-Journal until the Journal’s back on its feet. Here goes:
- The following government agencies had meetings last night. This is what they talked about. Don’t ask us what it means.
- Someone robbed someone else. Police are searching for some suspects, have found others, and will keep us posted.
- Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center is a big hospital and be sure to read our daily story about something to do with it.
- Ask SAM features another question pulled from Life in Forsyth
- Letters to the Editor Summary: If our leaders would just remember that everything they need to know is in the Bible then everything would be good. Amen.
- Editorials: Someone did something, and while we think they’re swell and all and we’re sure they’re trying their best, really they’re a bunch of flaming idiots. Here’s what we think they should do and we know best because, you know, we’re editors. (Isn’t this deliciously ironic considering it’s being written by a guy who spouts off on an eponymous blog?)
- Business: Krispy Kreme did something. Reynolds did something. Wachovia still afloat and really still our hometown bank. What’s BB&T? Here’s an AP article about some small business in San Diego, which we’re running because we don’t have any small businesses here.
- People died. Some have gone to be with their creator, others are walking peacefully with Jesus, and some are even dearly departed.
- Virginia Foxx did something and we disagree with her.
- Sports: As always NASCAR’s our lead, but we’ll figure out which major development to run under the story about Brian France’s hemorrhoids.
- Finally our question of the week: If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there to hear it does it really make a sound?
If this doesn’t do it for you I guess you could just go to the Journal’s website.