Category Archives: Funny Stuff

Not Your Typical ‘Guy Blows Himself Up’ Story

I tell you, sometimes I think the most entertaining job in the world has to be writing headlines.  I mean who wouldn't enjoy writing something like this:

Man Nearly Explodes After Compressed Air Valve Lodges in Buttocks

From the story:

The nipple of the valve punctured the 48-year-old’s left buttock, pumping air into his body at 100 lbs. per square inch.  The pressure drove air into every possible space in his body, separating fat from muscle and compressing his lungs and heart.

“The sensation was like when you’re diving with the bends, and you have to go back down to let the air pressure come off your body,” McCormack said.  “I could hear the sound of the air going into me and the people walking around me, but they didn’t want to get near because of what they could see, it wasn’t a very nice sight.”

His boss, Robbie Peterson, and two other workers tried to pull him off the valve — to no avail.  “We couldn’t get him off the nipple because the angle acted like a hook,” Peterson said…

It took the trucker about three days to shrink back to his normal size, the time for the air to naturally disperse.  “You can’t turn a tap on and let it out,” McCormack said.  “You just have to fart it out, or burp it out.”

That last paragraph might qualify as the best quote in a news story in 2011.

Corruption, Violence and Scumbaggery

Continuing the theme from the previous post may I present another great job listing:

We want to add some talent to the Sarasota Herald-Tribune investigative team. Every serious candidate should have a proven track record of conceiving, reporting and writing stellar investigative pieces that provoke change. However, our ideal candidate has also cursed out an editor, had spokespeople hang up on them in anger and threatened to resign at least once because some fool wanted to screw around with their perfect lede…

For those unaware of Florida’s reputation, it’s arguably the best news state in the country and not just because of the great public records laws. We have all kinds of corruption, violence and scumbaggery. The 9/11 terrorists trained here. Bush read My Pet Goat here. Our elections are colossal clusterf***s.(Blogger's Note: the asterisks are mine.  I don't mind the f-bomb myself, but some family members who read this thing do). Our new governor once ran a health care company that got hit with a record fine because of rampant Medicare fraud. We have hurricanes, wildfires, tar balls, bedbugs, diseased citrus trees and an entire town overrun by giant roaches (only one of those things is made up). And we have Disney World and beaches, so bring the whole family.

Job Requirements

People will read the darndest things.  For example, lots of people read the obituaries on a daily basis.  Why? Not sure, but I'm guessing that when you reach a certain age you begin to do it in an effort to see which of your peers is no longer with us.  Personally, I enjoy reading job postings on occassion.  Why?  Because you'll find some of the most bizarre stuff there, mostly because I don't believe a grasp of the English language is required for most HR positions, but also because outlining job requirements often leads job listers to write some really funny stuff.  To support my case I give you this jewel from the "Physical Demands" section of a job listing for a Marketing Communications Manager:

While performing the duties of this job, the employee is regularly required to use hands to finger, handle, or feel; reach with hands and arms; and talk or hear.  The employee frequently is required to stand, walk, and sit.

Could the writer have made the first sentence, before the first semicolon, any more disturbing?

Before you say it let me just state that I understand why they have to write this, but it doesn't make it any less funny that they did indeed have to write it. I'm also left to wonder why they didn't also write "use lips and tongue to form words, and use ears to hear" instead of just "talk and hear?"

Later, in the "Work Environment" section of the job listing, the writer attempts to make office work sound somehow more adventurous than it is:

While performing the duties of this job, the employee is occasionally exposed to moving mechanical parts and risk of electrical shock.  The noise level in the work environment is usually moderate (business office equipment).

Translation: Some goobs manage to get themselves shocked when they un-jam the copier. 

Harry Baals

Honestly, you can't make this stuff up. The city of Ft. Wayne, Indiana is asking people to vote for a name for its new municipal building and the leading vote getter is former mayor Harry Baals.  Yes, the pronunciation is what you probably think it is, although his descendents changed the pronunciation to sound like something you do with hay.  Anyhoo, I have great admiration for the reporter who kept a straight face despite having to repeatedly say "Harry Baals Government Center," although I do wonder if he really needed to say it might be the "butt of jokes."

Cussing With an Accent

I can't say I learned all that much from my professors when I was in college, but I sure did learn a lot from my peers.  For instance I learned from one of my roommates, who hailed from Glasgow, that you could cuss someone out without suffering any consequences if you did so with a great accent. He'd insult people to their face and they'd just smile at him.  Granted, they probably didn't understand a word he was saying, but the words just sounded so much less vulgar when he said them.  I was reminded of this when I saw the picture on this post at Boing Boing. Seriously, can you imagine a US paper coming up with the headline that the Irish Daily Star did: USELESS GOBSHITES?

BTW, as a parent and an American citizen I can think of a million instances when this epithet would have come in handy.

America’s Got Talent

I wake up every day and silently thank Al Gore for inventing the internet precisely because I get to see talent like this on display on a regular basis.  I mean, if it wasn't for the internet bringing this stuff right to my computer I'd have to be satisfied with the weekly reruns of Lawrence Welk on WUNC.  Brilliant I tell you, just brilliant: