Category Archives: Funny Stuff

My Kids Let Me Down

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I’ve toiled for years on this blog and quite honestly my kids NEVER read it.  While some might argue that’s a good thing considering how I write and what I often write about, it’s still a bummer when the only time they ackowledge my blog is when they tell their friends in derisive tones that “my dad’s probably going to blog about this” and utter the word blog as if they’re trying to violently expel a loogie.

Little do they know that their future might hang on this darn thing.  You see the grand plan is to work on this tribute to trivianalia (I think I’ve just coined a new word) until some publisher or producer notices it and offers me a mega-signing bonus to produce something gloriously stupid for them.  Said signing bonus will keep us out of the poor house as we swim against the rising tide of costs related to orthodonture, healthcare and wardrobe accessories.

The problem with my plan is exposure, or lack there of.  We need people to see this thing in order for me to get my big break and wouldn’t you know it there’s a PR bonanza to be had if only the kids would pay attention.  The Bloggers Choice Awards is soliciting nominations and votes for blogs in an amazing number of categories and while this blog really doesn’t qualify for any of them my kids could have at least gotten me in the door for “Hottest Daddy Blogger“.  I know what you’re thinking: doesn’t “hottest daddy” imply that one has to be, well, hot?  My reply is that “hot” is subjective and if you look at some of the leading vote getters in the category you’ll have to agree.

Anyway, I’m thinking that the kids should have nominated me and then recruited their friends to stuff the ballot box.  I mean if they truly want a future with straight teeth and clothes manufactured in the 21st century they need to get on the ball, right?  I’m not thinking I’ll get a call from GQ or anything, but I figure it’s only a short amount of time before they come up with a reality show called “Extreme Makeover: Homely Middle Aged Guy Edition” and when they do I’ll be a lock.  I’ll use the exposure from my appearance on that inevitable TV crap to springboard me to worthless celebrity and unearned lucre.

If the kids do nominate me I’ll put up a gallery of pictures displaying my “hotness”.  I’m thinking I could corner the market on sympathy votes based on the following samples:

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Winston-Salem Home Boy Named One of 50 Hottest on Capitol Hill

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Jeffeinenhauerburr
Every summer The Hill publishes a list of the 50 hottest folks on Capitol Hill.  This year a dude from Winston-Salem was selected and it wasn’t that other W-S native Sen. Burr.  He’s Jeff Eisenhauer (pictured to the left) and here’s what the staff at The Hill wrote about him:

Jeff Eisenhauer
 Age: 26
  Political Party: Republican
  Hometown: Winston-Salem, N.C.
  Dating status: In a relationship

A few years ago in Tanzania, Jeff Eisenhauer was mugged on his way to watch a Super Bowl broadcast.

He
handed the attackers his bag, which contained a pair of shoes, and
survived the incident unscathed. Upon reflection, Eisenhauer said he
probably shouldn’t have been walking through such a tough part of town,
dismissing the move as “macho.” Still, the previous year, locals in his neighborhood had tuned into arm-wrestling instead of the Super Bowl and he needed a football fix.

Eisenhauer
is chock-full of interesting stories about his time as an environmental
volunteer for the Peace Corps, which he called the “best two years of
his life.”

Following his return from Africa a year ago, the
6-foot-1, tanned, surferesque Republican started work as the mail
manager for Sen. Richard Burr (R-N.C.). The lawmaker and Eisenhauer
both hail from Winston-Salem.

Eisenhauer enjoys hitting the gym, rock climbing, watching soccer and attending concerts.

Though
he’s currently taken, Eisenhauer said he likes “a girl who’s open to
trying new things [and is] adventurous, easy going, likes to laugh.”

The floppy-haired blonde is not sure what is his best feature, but he thinks he knows his worst.

“I know it’s not the gap in my teeth,” Eisenhauer said. “I got made fun of all my life [for it].”

 

– By Kelly McCormack
 

 

How’d They Get in My Shower?

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OldspiceadBookofjoe has a reproduction (picture to the left) of an Old Spice ad that appeared in the print version of Sports Illustrated.  Joe thinks it’s pretty gross and I’d have to agree.

My family knows, and now you will too, that since reaching adulthood my body has behaved like a Chia-Pet on steroids.  I’ve been sprouting and losing body hair at a prodigious rate so at the end of every shower my soap looks much like the bar in the picture.  In deference to my lovely wife I spend an inordinate amount of time picking those darn things off which is more difficult than you’d think.  But, I’m a creature of habit and I’m not a big fan of the liquid soaps.  Perhaps I’d be converted if I sat down and figured out how much time I spend picking in an average week; I’m thinking it would be the equivalent of a part-time job.

Want to Make a Fortune on Your Shipping & Handling Charges? Work With Uncle Sam

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A couple of days ago I wrote about the increasingly popular online practice of selling things dirt cheap and then making money on the shipping and handling charges.  Well the online folks are a bunch of pikers compared to the small defense contractor based in South Carolina that, among other things, charged almost a $1 million to ship two $.19 washers to Texas.  The sister team running this company manages to make Cheney’s boys at Halliburton look like Boy Scouts.

Oh, and because these jokers got away with several of these S&H scams for years thanks to the Pentagon’s expedited payment system for items that were shipped under "priority" status, the Defense Logistics Agency and the Defense Finance and Accounting Service "have made major changes, including thorough evaluations of the highest shipping charges."  Good to know, huh?

Dunning Our 11 Year Old on His Cell Phone

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A little over a month ago we got cell phones for all of our kids.  Our biggest worry was that our kids would make an obscene number of calls outside the network (calls to other VerizonWireless users are free) and rack up huge bills.  What never occurred to us was that our 11 year old son might get several collection calls from a credit card company.  Apparently someone who had his number before him owes a credit card company some bucks because they called him three times yesterday alone. 

Today I called the toll free number listed on the phone’s "missed call" directory and the phone was answered by GC Services which is a large call center and collection agency.  The lady I spoke with was helpful but could not find my son’s number in her system which suggested to her that he was in another of the call centers’ database.  (Celeste called the number earlier and had zero luck as well).  The solution?  If he gets another call he’s to hand the phone to me or Celeste and let us find out who they are trying to reach and then we can inform the collector that the number no longer belongs to the person he or she is trying to reach.  I’m really not sure why they can’t connect me to someone who has access to all the GC Services databases so that they can search for the number across all of their accounts at once in order to fix the problem, but that doesn’t seem to be an option.

So here’s my question: are we getting charged usage minutes for these calls and if so, what can we do about it?

Oh, Good Lord. God, Paintball and Golf

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Until now I thought the craziest thing to come out of Wisconsin were the cheeseheads worn by Green Bay Packer fans.  That was before I read about the Christian paintball park in Pleasant Prairie, Wisconsin named Promised Land.  From the article:

Pastors, church youth leaders and mostly believers from Great Lakes states come here to bond and battle.

Every Canadian-made green paintball that stings you like the end of a
wet towel, does so with the grace of tiny Christian fish symbols
printed on their shell.

"I’ve looked in the Bible, and can’t find
anything wrong with paintball," reasons Andy Leong, a 48-year-old
Chicago marketing executive who’s come to celebrate the birthday of his
13-year-old son, Luke. "In fact, the Bible is filled with combat as a
topic."

The park, Leong says, preparing for battle, includes a lot of his
family’s Christian values — a prayer before combat, no swearing, no
cheating and no spiteful players…

This members-only facility, on most Saturdays, is a well-organized Christian missionary campaign.

"There’s an impression that Christians are wimps — that they’re just no fun," says Promised Land owner Rick Pinter.

"Christians can be tough and heroic."

In a little more than a decade, 40,000 people have fought for the glory of their God, and bragging rights here.

There is an entire Christian Paintball Players’ Association (CPPA) with
more than 4,000 members, largely in the U.S., but perhaps a couple
dozen in Canada.

"On a Sunday we could be in church, but why not
be out playing paintball and spreading the word?" says Dan Skinner, who
helps head an Ohio chapter of the CPPA.

The format for the game the reporter is engaging in appears to be a suitcase nuke sitting in an elevated jungle hooch with a timer visibly counting down and being guarded by 50 terrorist minders.  The goal is for the Christian soldiers to get to the nuke and stop the timer.

Man, this puts a whole new spin on youth group activities.  Who needs bowling or trips to the skating rink when you can go off some terrorists?  And that last line from the quote, you know the one where the guy justifies skipping church by saying he’s spreading the word in the middle of battle?  I’m thinking if I set up a Christian golf course I’ll be raking in the dough in no time.  Imagine the conversation in thousands of households:

Golfer: "Yes honey I realize its Sunday.  That’s why I’m going to play at Trinity CC and spread the Lord’s word while playing the Apostle course."

Spouse: "But what about church.  You know I hate sitting there with the kids all by myself, trying to keep them entertained.  I don’t even get to hear the sermon."

Golfer: "Well darlin’ you need to buck up.  I’m the Lord’s voice on the back nine and we all need to sacrifice to spread the Word."

Spouse: "Well that’s bullsh.."

Golfer: "Don’t say it!  I’m spreading the Word and that’s that.  Now where’s my damn driver?"

I mean I’m sitting smack dab in the middle of the Bible belt and golfer’s paradise.  What more do I need? A quick Google search reveals that there’s a Christian Golf Club of Central California and a couple of other golf-related ministries, but these are just groups and not actual facilities.  I may be on to something. Maybe we could do baptisms in the pond! 

Think of the potential investors.  Robertson, Falwell and company are more than a little business savvy and I’m sure they’d recognize the fundraising opportunities from the go.  Within a year we could be up and running with a Golfing for God Pro-Am, all donations tax-deductible and the standard 95% going to "administration fees" of the ministries. Yes, yes, yes I think we have a winner!