Category Archives: Family

Blackmail Pics Part Deux

Jonflame
In an effort to beat my cousins to the punch I’m going to show you what I meant by my predisposition to pastels in college.  On top of that I looked like I was about 12 when I was in college.  How the hell did I ever get a date?

Here’s another fairly bad picture of me to be found online:
Jonatconvergebig_1

It was during my "I wonder what I’d look like if I put on 15 pounds in six months and crop my hair" phase and was taken at ConvergeSouth in 05.  I look like some kind of deranged Chia pet. BTW, I’m the one on the left.  I wouldn’t want poor Roch to be cursed with anyone thinking he’s me.

Blackmail Pics

JodyrussjasonwendychrismariaSee that picture to the left (click on it to bigify it if you want)?  Those are in order from left: my cousin Jody, my brother Russ, my cousin Jason, my cousin Wendy, my cousin Chris and sitting in the front is my cousin Maria.  I’m guessing the picture was taken in the early 80s (ya think?).

Love the hair!

You might wonder if I’m worried about retribution, but with a self portrait like this I’m not sure there’s anything they can do to me.  Oh wait, there are those pictures of me in college when I had a real predisposition to pastel colored shirts.

This could get ugly.

Rollin’, Rollin’, Rollin’

It looks like I’ve hit one of those travel "humps" I get every once in a while.  It started last Sunday when I rented a car and drove up to DC for meetings there on Monday and Tuesday.  From DC I flew to Charleston, SC Tuesday night for my wife’s family reunion, and from Charleston we drove home to Winston-Salem Saturday.  I fly to New York from Charlotte tonight (Sunday and the busiest travel day of the year) and I’m in New York until Tuesday, when I fly to Chicago for a meeting and then Tuesday night I fly home.  I’m home until the following Tuesday when I fly to San Francisco to run a seminar for a couple of days and then Celeste is going to meet me there for a long weekend before we fly home on the red-eye that Saturday night.  After a couple of weeks at home we’ll be on the road again for Christmas.

If I don’t gain 20 pounds by New Years it’s going to be a miracle.

You Can Call Me Turd Blossom

As I‘ve written before my most important familial role is not being "dad" or "husband", but being the expunger, er plunger, of the household floaters.  For those of you who don’t know what a floater is, just think of that stuff that you find in the toilet bowl when the previous user has left a deposit, followed it with about 1/2 roll of toilet paper, pulled the flush handle and then dropped the lid before witnessing that the deposit has not been processed properly.  Or in the real world think of it as the stuff you find in the toilet bowl after the previous user has left a deposit plus 1/2 roll of toilet paper and dropped the lid despite seeing that the deposit has not been processed properly.

I dubbed myself "The Turd Man of Alcatraz" because I thought it accurately conveyed my feeling of being imprisoned with a bunch of toilet defilers, but when you get right down to it that’s not really a good nickname.  I mean it’s just too long.  I suppose you could shorten it to "Turd Man" but that makes me sound like some sort of demented super hero.  So I was elated when I found this Wikipedia entry listing the nicknames used by President Bush.  It ends up he calls Karl Rove  "Turd Blossom".

My friends, "Turd Blossom" is the perfect nickname for me.  I think it conveys a bit of the Zen-like feeling I get when I’ve held my breath for 90 seconds as I vigorously plunge the offending turd bowl.  Some might argue that I’m close to passing out, but I think I’ve entered an altered state of consciousness peculiar to we chronic turd plungers.   Kind of like the mad hatters of the 19th century.

Yesterday I continued my role as "Turd Blossom" by having to plunge two bowls before 8 a.m.  I’d have hit the trifecta if I’d gotten up before Celeste, because she found a pile of dog poop in front of our back door. Apparently the dog hadn’t done all his business when we let him out before going to bed the night before.  The result is this weekend I’m going to hold the first monthly Turd Blossom Academy class on proper butt wiping technique.  The class title is, "Save a Tree: Why You Don’t Need 3 Feet of Toilet Paper for Each Pass of Your Pooter".  Next month it will be, "Why We Use Soap: The Joys of Dysentery". Class fees start at $50 per person, but we offer sibling discounts. 

The Web’s Usefulness Knows No End; Where My Kids Won’t Be Going to College

Here’s a link to a little Google mashup that shows you where the top 10 most expensive colleges are in the United States.  I’m going to use this sites to steer my children away from these particular institutions, but despite what you might think it’s not only because of the money.

While I was in school I spent quite a bit of time on the campus of the most expensive school, George Washington University, and from that experience I learned a couple of important lessons:

  • When drinking is involved, the idiotic behavior of the students is directly proportional to the amount of money the drinkers’ parents are spending on their education.  It was only at GWU that I witnessed people flinging themselves off of fire escapes into the kind-of-waiting arms of their even-more-drunk brethren.  I never saw equally stupid behavior at my state-school with one tenth the tuition, George Mason University.
  • I also spent a little time at the number two school on the list, the University of Richmond.  I had a distinct dislike for those guys because the Spiders routinely knocked GMU out of the CAA tournament when Richmond was still in the conference.  On top of that they were some snotty SOBs even before they started drinking and the aforementioned rule kicked in.  In short, lesson #2 is that money doesn’t buy class.

Okay, okay, it’s more than a little about the money.  I’m not sure I want to, or even can, swing the equivalent of a car payment x 8 for my childrens’ education.  Unless they get themselves a heckuva scholarship it just ain’t happening.  But that’s okay because my main goals are to get them to 18 still healthy (I’m talking about them), educated well enough that someone will let them into their school, and sane enough to appreciate it (I’m talking about me).  I’m not too terribly picky about where they go, as long as they go…right away.  None of this "I need to discover myself" BS, because if they want to discover themselves they can do it on their own nickel in their own roach infested hell-hole.  I’m pretty sure that’s when they’ll "discover" higher education is where it’s at.

After kid #3 gets his papers I have a plan.  I’ve informed Celeste but she doesn’t think I’m serious, but I have a feeling when kid #1 gets ready to graduate (hopefully in the same swift five years it took his dad) and we’re looking the possibility of a boomerang kid square in the eyes she’ll buy into my plan.  It’s really quite simple in its brilliance: we’ll sell the house, buy an RV using the proceeds and some of the money we saved by not sending our kids to one of America’s expensive and vastly overrated learning institutions, and then we’ll tour the States.  We’ll coordinate with the kids for holidays and just show up.  Heck we might even swing by and visit between the holidays, but the roost will be moving and I seriously doubt any sane 22 year old would want to fly back to it.  We’ll keep the trailer until the kids get married and start creating their own private agony known as parenthood and then we’ll buy a house that requires zero upkeep (i.e. has no yard) near them so we can spoil the little brats, er grandkids, and send them home with their parents.

So we’ll get away for a while, recover some remnant of our pre-kids souls, and actually begin to speak in full sentences again.  We’ll recharge our batteries and ready ourselves to unleash life’s greatest reward: grandparents’ revenge.

Blue Cross Could Have Sent Some Vaseline Too

Remember the truism that nothing is certain but death and taxes?  I think that needs to be revised to state "nothing is certain but death, taxes and massive annual rate hikes from your health insurer".  Actually that last could probably be better stated as an "annual screwing from your health insurer".

We recieved a letter from our health insurer, BlueCross BlueShield of North Carolina (BCBSNC), that begins as follows:

Dear Valued Blue Cross and Blue Shield of North Carolina Member:

Thank you for choosing Blue Cross and Blue Shield of North Carolina (BCBSNC) for your health insurance needs. We value your continued membership and want to let you know about some upcoming changes to your Blue Advantage premiums and benefits.

Most Blue Advantage subscribers will have a premium adjustment in 2007.   This will be your guaranteed premium until January 1, 2008, unless you switch plans, add dependents or purchase additional coverage.

Blue Advantage is the most popular individual insurance plan in North Carolina and currently serves more than 315,000 members. Your Blue Advantage premium adjustment is based on the health care costs of all Blue Advantage members and is impacted by factors such as where you live, your benefit design, your gender and your age. For example, if you had a birthday in the past year that put you in a new age-bracket category, it may have had an effect on your January 1, 2007 premium adjustment.  Your individual claims do not have an impact on your annual premium changes.

Here’s the thing: our premiums were about $595 a month this year, which was up about 10% over the year before.  This is a 35% increase from ’06 to ’07!  Celeste and I both turned 40 this year and so I went to the BCBSNC rate quote website and found that if I compared rates for us at the age of 38 and 40, the quote for age 40 was about 8% higher.  So where in the heck did the rest of the increase come from?

What kills me is that there are NO factors that say anything about our personal health choices.  Why can’t we get credit for exercise?  Why can’t we get credit for a healthy diet?  Why can’t we get credit for our general health?  They can lump us in with the rest of the people who are individually insured, essentially treating us as a group health plan, but they give us no control over how we might control costs.  This is BS!

Here’s something else that just pisses me off about this: BCBSNC is a non-profit that has been accused in the past of making too much profit and in fact they made a concerted PR push last year to point out that they were reducing their profits.  They were sensitive enough about it that they sued an advocacy group called ProCare over the group’s disclosure of what BCBSNC said were confidential business sources.  Of course that doesn’t mean that ProCare was wrong and one of the documents in dispute detailed how BCBSNC spent $478,000 to sponsor the US Open.  And my old employer, Atlantic Information Services, had a piece in ’05 about how states, including North Carolina, are going after the "Blues" for reserves that are too high.  The point is that non-profits have reasons for existing that go beyond profits which is why they get their special status and treatment from our friends in government, and I can tell you that if the non-profits I worked with spent money the way BCBSNC seems to they’d be in a heap of trouble.

We can change our coverage options (higher premium, higher co-pays, etc.) to bring down our monthly premiums, and we might end up doing that, but we’re also going to seriously consider a Medical Savings Account.  We’ve been looking at MSAs for a while, but we were kind of scared off by the "newness" of them.  I also remember reading about UnitedHealthcare getting ready to offer individual health coverage in NC (right now BCBSNC has a monopoly in the state) and we’re going to check them out as well. BCBSNC has given us a lot of motivation to look at ALL of our alternatives. 

Here’s my final observation about these jokers and another truism in the realm of business communications: any letter that begins with "we value your continued membership" is the setup for a royal screwing and out of kindness should be accompanied by a small package of personal lubricant.

By the way, this experience just gives me further evidence that Dr. Feld is right about the need for true competition and free market reforms in the healthcare marketplace.

Meeting Gram in Fancy Gap

A while back my daughter suggested to my mom that we could get together more if we met for dinner halfway between our home in Lewisville, NC and mom’s in Radford, VA.  Last night we tested the theory by meeting in Fancy Gap, VA for dinner.  It ended up being an easy one hour drive up I-77 for us and an easy one hour drive down I-81 and I-77 for Mom and Bert.

Lakeview_fancygap
We met Mom & Bert and the Lake View Restaurant (attached to the Lake View motel) and they even gave us our own private closet room.  Fancy Gap is right off the Blue Ridge Parkway on Rt. 52 and we decided to head home by heading south down 52 through Mt. Airy, the childhood home of Andy Griffith and my Aunt Judy. The first five miles of the return trip were downhill, as in literally downhill, so next time we’ll try and make it a lunch meeting so we can see the area in the daylight.  I have a feeling it’s beautiful.

Quixotry = 365 points

ScrabbletileWhen I was a kid we played a lot of Scrabble in our family.  In fact one of the defining moments in my adolescence was the first time I beat my Mom and I was pretty sure she wasn’t tanking the game to make me feel better.  So I read with interest this item (found via Lex) about a guy who scored 830 points in one game and his opponent scored 490.  They set three records; highest score by one player, highest combined score and highest score for one word (365 for QUIXOTRY).

I feel for the guy who lost since normally you’re the winner running away if you score almost 500 points, yet he was beat by 340.  To his credit that means that if you removed the 365 point word he actually played his opponent even.  Most mortals would have thrown in their tiles after that one. How bad was that pun?

Daddy’s Not-so-little Girl

PhotoToday’s the day that my little girl officially enters that frightening universe known as teenager-hood.  She turns 13 and I think she thinks she’s turning 31.  We’re already arguing over makeup, short-shorts, boys, you name it.  Barring the invention of a time machine I guess I’m just going to have to adjust, but some things are not changing and will never change and for that I’m thankful.
PhotoFirst of all she’s always going to be as beautiful a creature as you can lay your eyes on.  Yeah, yeah, I’m biased (shoot me) but take my word for it.  She’s also always going to stand up for herself (she’s the only one of our three kids who’s yelled back at me) and she’s always going to be whip-smart (straight A’s so far in middle school).  She will always possess a laugh that can be heard two counties away and will never be mistaken for a “polite” laugh.  She will always be a faithful friend, sister, daughter, niece, cousin and granddaughter.  You can bank on it.

And some day she’ll be some lucky guy’s girlfriend, fiance and eventually wife.  Hopefully those days are a long ways off, but when they come she’ll still be her daddy’s little girl.

Happy birthday sweetheart.