I came across a blog called Acid Test (found via Blog on the Run) that posted what is supposedly an excerpt from a Peace Corps training manual. It details how to respond to being attacked by an anaconda. To wit:
“Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake
species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs
300 to 400 pounds.
- 1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
- 2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
- 3. Tuck your chin in.
- 4. The snake will begin to nudge and climb over your body.
- 5. Do not panic.
- 6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you
from the feet end – always from the feet end. Permit the snake to
swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic!- 7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
- 8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little
movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide
it into the side of the snake’s mouth between the edge of its mouth and
your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake’s head.- 9. Be sure you have your knife.
- 10. Be sure your knife is sharp.”
Have fun sleeping tonight.
So on Saturday I land in Charlotte after a 9 1/2 hour flight from Germany. I clear customs without a hitch, get my checked luggage and before I know it I’m in my car heading north on I-77 to Statesville to meet my family at a hot air balloon festival. I’m low on gas so I stop to tank up and as I stand next to my car I hear a man say "Hey Daddy!" and I look around to find a guy in his 50’s and obviously down on his luck approaching me. In one hand he has a plastic grocery back full of something and in the other he has what looks like a laptop case.
"Hey daddy", he says again and follows with, "you about a 40?"
"Huh?", I reply.
"You got about a 40 inch waist?", he asks.
"Uh, yeah I guess about that", I say more than a little warily.
"I got some boxers that’d look real nice on you and I give ’em to you cheap", he says. I notice that he’s missing a front tooth but his other teeth look really healthy and white. It looks like he brushes pretty regularly which is a change from most of the people who have tried to hustle me in the past.
"Uh, no thanks I have plenty of boxers," I tell him.
"They’re real cheap man, just $3," he says.
"No really I don’t need ’em," I insist.
"Okay, I’ll throw in a watch and it will still only be $3."
"No thanks," I say, a little annoyance creeping into my voice. I’m tired and I just want to go see my family and I don’t feel like messing with this guy. Forget that he’s probably having the kind of day that makes a 9 1/2 hour flight seem like nothing. Hell, they fed me twice on the plane and this guy may not have had a square meal all day. That’s not on my mind though because I’m tired and I’m only thinking about seeing Celeste and the kids.
"No offense man, I’m just trying to hustle for some money, okay Daddy?"
"No problem, I’m just not interested."
"Okay daddy," he says and then moves to the next pump where another car has just pulled in.
"Hey daddy, what you got about a 50 inch waist? I got some boxers that’d look real good on you and they’re only $3."
After I got back on 77 I thought about two things; I should have slipped the guy a couple of bucks and I should have told him that it’s not an effective sales technique to remind middle-aged guys how fat they’ve gotten. I feel bad that I didn’t do either.
The Winston-Salem Journal reported that customer service calls for its circulation department will be outsourced to a company based in the Phillipines. More interesting to me was a comment that the managing editor Ken Otterbourg left on his blog in response to another comment left by a reader on a post that had nothing to do with the outsourcing story (his post was about photography on the Blue Ridge Parkway):
Reader’s comment: I love great photographs. Hopefully you guys won’t be outsourcing your photography to Manila any time soon.
Capitalism is alive and well in W-S (and the non-US areas we send our jobs to.)
Ken’s comment: Thanks for the comments. I’m not going to minimize the import or
symbolism of the movement of our customer-support operations. But I do
think that it speaks well of our newspaper that we reported this. For
job cuts at this level, many publications would not report them. We
thought it was important to do so, from a credibility standpoint and
also from a fairness standpoint, because we’ve reported extensively on
IT and back-office operations in this area moving offshore.
I think Ken makes a good point, and I’m glad to see that the Journal is engaging in a little transparency. I do ask though that they order the company not to use fake American names for its representatives. Nothing more annoying than talking to another "Jack" who’s real name is Arjun or a "Mary" who’s real name is "Ashakiran".
This story reminds me of something I’ve been meaning to look into. Does anyone have access to the total number of NC jobs lost to overseas companies in the last 10-20 years? If so, how about a yearly breakdown and a breakdown by industry? I’m thinking I can get it off the state’s website somewhere but if someone already has it I’d love to see it without duplicating the work.
One of the reasons I wasn’t exactly chomping at the bit to make this trip to Germany is that today is my daughter Erin’s birthday. I’ve never missed one of the kids’ birthdays and I hope I never have to do it again. Ironically the more birthdays we celebrate with the kids the more I treasure each one, because when I think about it we’ll have three more with Erin’s older brother Michael and four more with Erin before they go off to college and then it’s highly likely we’ll miss lots of their birthdays after that. Ah well, gotta put food on the table and all that.I’m also feeling particularly nostalgic because the past year has seen Erin truly blossom. She’s truly becoming a young lady, a fact that was hammered home when she tried on the dress she’s going to be wearing in her aunt’s wedding. Let’s just say I’m going to be fighting off some drunken louts in a few weeks and I won’t be taking prisoners. The girl’s gonna drop some jaws and if any of them drop the wrong way Daddy’s gonna have to do some peacekeeping.
Of course I’m like every other Dad out there, wanting my little girl to stay just that. Unfortunately time and biology have conspired against my wishes and she just keeps getting more lady like and less girlish. At the risk of repeating myself from last year’s birthday post, I have to say again that she’s eventually going to be some lucky guy’s boyfriend, fiance and wife. But be warned fellas, you better be prepared to impress because you’ll have to be better than any man I’ve ever met to take my girl away from her mother and me.
For now we’re going to hold on to Erin as tight as we can and enjoy the soccer games and practices, the family dinners and the silly stories. We’ll treasure her laugh, watch with wonder as she continues to thrive in school and let her bedazzle us with her smile. In short we’ll enjoy every moment we can with our young lady because they are becoming too few.
Happy birthday sweetheart. See you in a couple of days.
So I woke up last night at 2 a.m. Frankfurt time, and that was after sleeping five hours. Unfortunately I knew right away that I wasn’t going to get back to sleep any time soon so I decided to call home and then do some reading. After the call and an hour or two of reading I clicked on the TV and started surfing through the 40 or so channels of TV that the hotel carries. In the process I discovered some interesting things:
I’m still trying to figure out what kind of guy would get worked up with some supposed woman sending him messages like "U R so hot U R mkg me…" Of course the wireless services here are so far ahead of ours in the US that it would be a good bet that they deliver high quality video to pervs’ phones and they’re just using "SMS" in the same way that some people call all sodas "Coke". Either way, you don’t see the "commercials" or the wireless p-rn back in the states.
Hopefully that will be the extent of my German television reviews since I’d like to get at least a little sleep over the next few days.
On my flight from Charlotte to Frankurt I sat next to a little German boy named Constantine who was approximately five years old. Constantine didn’t speak a word of English and my German is limited to counting to ten and saying “please” and “thanks”. Fortunately the boy’s mom was sitting in the row behind us with his brother and was able to provide translation services
Throughout the flight I was under the impression that Constantine had a bladder the size of a peanut because he went to the bathroom approximately 43 times. It ends up he had an upset stomach which I figured out when the cabin lights were turned on so the crew could serve breakfast. That’s when Constantine awoke with that wide-eyed look you get when the smoke alarm goes off at 3 AM and started saying “nein” over and over really loudly. That’s also when he assumed that belly grabbing pose that is the universal symbol for “I’m getting ready to blow chunks.”. Unfortunately for me the meal cart was parked next to me which meant I was fairly certain I was going to be wearing chunks of something if I didn’t move fast
Constantine’s mom handed him a barf bag through the gap between the seats and I’m hear to tell you that when you’re staring down the possibility of a five year olds hurl those bags don’t engender a lot of confidence. Meanwhile the stewardesses all assumed that Constantine was my son despite the fact that we’d been communicating with each other via grunts and hand signals for six hours. That’s why they didn’t act with what I felt was appropriate urgency when I informed them of the situation. When I told them that he wasn’t my kid and he’d probably be happier with his mom the stewardesses moved the cart so mom and I could trade places. I think my look of desperation also helped
In the end we landed safely and Constantine gave me a sweet smile on the way out.
Why do I feel like this is going to be a really long trip? Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Befuddled 
