So I’m closing in on 40 and apparently that fact has caused me to jettison my normal attitude of indifference towards my health.  The result is that I’ve had my first physical in years and I’ve begun to listen to my wife about my supposed issues which led me to voluntarily participate in a sleep study on Monday night.  Here’s what I’ve learned, first from my physical:

• God has blessed me with a good ticker.  My resting heart rate is 47 beats per minute.
• Having a hairy chest is not conducive to the pain-free administration of an EKG. Taking those little bastard electrodes off does NOT tickle.
• I’m a wuss.  When they went to draw blood and missed the first six times I almost passed out.  My doctor assured me that it had something to do with my miraculously low heart rate but I think he was just trying to soften the blow to my manhood.
• The little rubber hammer thingy doesn’t have any effect when it is used to repeatedly strike me in the knee. Apparently my wife was correct in her assessment that I am insensitive.

This is what I learned from my sleep study:

• It is quite difficult to sleep comfortably with electrodes stuck all over your face and scalp.
• For some reason they also stick electrodes to your knees; I believe it is to make it difficult to pee in the morning, which it is.
• It is considered normal to wake up 1-5 times per hour due to changes in breathing, but it is a mild case of sleep apnea to do so 6-15 times per hour and severe apnea to do so 16-30 times.
• I wake up an average of six times per hour.  Funny enough I wake up once an hour if I’m sleeping on my side and 12 times per hour if I’m sleeping on my back.  I spend equal amounts of time on my back and on my side.
• The prescription they have for me is to learn to sleep on my side at all times.  Their suggestion is for me to sew a pocket on the back of a t-shirt and insert a tennis ball so that I can’t lie on my back comfortably.  They figure it should only take 4-5 months for me to be properly trained.  This smells suspiciously like common sense to me, which of course makes me instantly suspicious.  Where’s my magic pill?
• My heart rate when I’m sleeping is 45 beats per minute and my oxygen level stays above 90% which is apparently good.
• I still snore loud as hell. They couldn’t prescribe anything to help my wife with that.
• In the world of the sleep study folks I’m considered a moderate snorer; I feel for anyone who has to live with someone considered a truly loud snorer on their spectrum.

I wish I’d taken a camera with me to have my picture taken with all the stuff plastered on my head.  I looked like something out of a bad 70s sci-fi movie. 

The final analysis is that it looks like I’m healthy as a horse which is a good thing. Knock on wood.  Luckily no one has looked into my mental fitness…yet.