1. Wake up to your dog taking a crap on the floor next to your side of the bed.  (Not so bad if it’s on your wife’s side and she has "eminent domain" on the cleanup).
2. After cleaning up dog-poop go to the kitched to brew coffee.  Take coffee and paper to the family room only to find that the wet blobs of sheetrock are falling from the ceiling thanks to the persistent leak you get everytime it rains more than three drops in an hour.
3. Sit there looking at your wet ceiling wondering why the repair guy couldn’t come last week instead of this or next week.

If this is any indication of how my week is going to go, I might want to stay in bed for the duration.

Here’s a stat from an article in the Christian Science Monitor about our friends at the IRS:

But research done by the IRS has shown that over 50
percent of the time an IRS employee goes on a computer, he or she also
hooks up to the Internet to shop, gamble or play games.

The article was about a piece of legislation in North Carolina that would require the state to remove solitaire and other games from all 50,000 state computers.  What would you expect from the largest state that does NOT have a lottery?

I’ve always told my wife that she never has to worry about my fidelity because I’m preternaturaly lazy and dealing with more than one woman is way too much trouble.  To support my case I enter this story from iol into evidence:

Bucharest – A Romanian man lost his wife and mistress in one night
after buying both a personalised gold necklace and mixing up the gifts.

Petru Cioaba, from Focsany, bought identical necklaces for his wife and
his mistress and had their initials and a personal message engraved
onto each one.

But he mixed up the necklaces, and after he left his wife the necklace
one morning as a surprise present for her and went to work, he got a
message from a lawyer saying she was filing for divorce.

And now you know why I’m very glad my wife doesn’t read this thing.

Here’s a Reuter’s story that I picked up through the first blog that I ever came across years ago, Fark.com.

Honey, Remember to Turn on the Rooster Booster…

BERLIN (Reuters) – Before leaving on vacation, a German couple set up a
loudspeaker and timer with the sound of a crowing cock to blast their
neighbors every morning.

After complaints, police in the northern town of Itzehoe obtained a
warrant to enter the house and discovered the gear with the speakers
aimed at the neighbors and rigged to a timer.

"The apparatus switched on between 2 and 4 o’clock in the
morning and produced a cock crowing at an enormous volume. This would
last for 20 minutes with breaks in between," police said.

Police confiscated the gear and charged the vacationers, who
are still away, with bodily harm and disturbing the peace. The
neighbors had no history of antagonism.

I have to say that the headline writers at Reuters are a bit more mature than me.  I would have been too tempted to resist this obvious alternative, "Honey, remember to set the cock clock…"

So I’m reading this piece on Gawker and it describes how some of the troops in Iraq flashed their "Shocker" foam fingers during the network’s obligatory "thanks to the troops" Super Bowl coverage.

I knew from the context of the article that the "Shocker" thing was one of those "If the adults only knew what this means" situations, but the real shocker was that I actually qualified as one of the adults. Now I’ll give myself credit; I was able to surmise what the "Shocker" probably represented, but I did have to read the article to make sure.

Depressing.

Okay, I have to admit I’m a sucker for what my mom calls "dirty little boy" humor.  Still this should be funny to most, and thanks to Rob Jeppsen for emailing it to me:

PHARMACOLOGY

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names — a trade name
and a generic name. For example, the trade name Tylenol is acetaminophen.
Aleve is known as naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen.

The Saskatchewan FDA has been reconsidering the generic name
for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix
and of course ibepokin.

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beverage, suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi\’s proposed ad\r\ncampaign claims

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it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself\r\na stiff one.

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Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink.\r\n

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This additive gives a new meaning to the names of cocktails,\r\nhighballs and

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just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the\r\nnew concoction

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by the name of "Mount &Do".

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The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures\r\nmust be fully

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considered. Over the past few years more money has been\r\nspent on breast

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implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer\’s research.\r\nIt is believed

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);
//–>Pfizer Corp is making an announcement today that Viagra will
soon be
available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola
as a power
beverage, suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi’s proposed ad
campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives a new meaning to the names of cocktails,
highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the
new concoction by the name of "Mount &Do".

The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures
must be fully
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