Last night I was visited by two Mormon missionaries and a volunteer from their local Ward.  This is part of the church’s ongoing campaign to try and win me back, a campaign they’ve been waging since 1976 when my parents got divorced and left the church. 

Back when I was a kid some people from the church would call and offer me and my brother a ride to church.  My mom told me I could go if I wanted but I don’t know many 10 year olds that would a. go to church without their mom, or b. go to church without being physically carried.  So I always respectfully declined the ride.

The Mormons lost track of me in college but once I got married I somehow re-appeared in their database and they started calling on me again.  Usually it’s just a couple of missionaries coming by the house, and because I respect who they are and what they’re doing I invite them in, sit them down, give them a cold drink, tell them my life story and that there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell of me coming back to the church, and then end up talking hoops for a while (it’s amazing how many Mormon missionaries played high school basketball).  I also give them an open invitation to stop by if they’re tired or thirsty and we’ll have a cold glass of water or lemonade waiting for them.

Sometimes, like last night, they’ll have another church official call or visit.  I’m also nice to them, but since they’re driving I don’t feel the need to offer an open invitation for a cold drink.  Other than that I have the exact same conversation with them that I have with the missionaries, and it’s amazing how each takes it.  Without exception they don’t try to "sell" me, they just give me their name and welcome me to call if anything ever changes.  I have to respect that.

Now that they know my story I won’t be getting another visit until the next batch of "recruits" comes to town, so I guess we’ll have those cold drinks ready in about 6 months.

Side note: If you need to find someone forget hiring a PI, just go straight to the Mormons because their people tracking skills are amazing.  No wonder so many work for the FBI.