Today’s date is a day that I annually end up thinking a lot about the past.  It’s my Mom’s birthday (out of a sharp sense of self-preservation I won’t mention the year) and it always brings up vivid memories. 

For instance there was the year I was in college and forgot her birthday, as did my brother and everyone else.  I would never have known except a month later she got mad at me for something and ended her yelling at me with, "And you forgot my birthday last month" and burst into tears.  I’ve felt worse, but not many times.

Then I think about how much she did for me and Russ (my brother) over the years.  She and my Dad divorced when I was 10 and Russ was 6 and she somehow managed to shepherd us through middle school, high school and college in an era when divorce was a new thing and when most peoples’ mothers still stayed at home and most people didn’t understand the pressures of single parenthood (many still don’t). 

I can remember her working all day, coming home and fixing dinner, getting us to our various activities and then Russ and I falling asleep to the sound of her typing as she tried to make extra money doing transcriptions on an electric typewriter.  In the beginning money was so tight that we only had meat on Fridays and we kept the temperature in the apartment low enough that we had to wear layers of clothing to bed.  One morning Mom even found her contacts frozen in their solution.  But she largely shielded us from the pressure and I can honestly say I never felt scared.

Within a year Mom had saved enough money that we could afford to move from our rental apartment and buy a townhouse.  That was the year I was in sixth grade and I can remember Mom telling me that she felt I was old enough to look out for me and Russ after school and with the money we saved by not having to hire a babysitter we could probably go to Disney World within a year (she was right).  She had me wear a key on a shoelace tied around my neck and Russ and I officially became the first latch-key kids anyone in our school knew.  She also gave me and Russ our first "honey-do" lists, which meant we were the only kids in the neighborhood who had to clean bathrooms, sweep the kitchen or vacuum the living room and halls. That presented us with our first entrepreneurial opportunity because we soon figured out that we were needed to make up enough kids for a good pick-up football game so we’d talk our friends into helping us so we could get out to play sooner. 

All the while Mom was working her tail off, quickly moving up within the non-profit community on a career track that was truly remarkable.  That didn’t stop her from attending our soccer/basketball/baseball games and making sure we had plenty of other opportunities.  Her selling ability was phenomenal; she convinced me to give up weekend play time to go down to the Smithsonian for classes on nature drawing and black and white photography with a pinhole camera I built myself.  I’m sure there was a certain level of extortion involved but it is something I remember enjoying and not dreading, which is remarkable for a 12 year old boy.

Mom also managed to teach us about life through example.  You can only imagine how difficult it is for a woman with teenage boys to meet men and I have to tell you that some of the guys Mom met weren’t exactly winners.  I learned by observation that no matter how old they get some guys never grow up and it was a valuable lesson.

Quick aside: When I was in high school one guy came over to play tennis with Mom.  He was one of those super-competitive a-holes and I watched him take way too much glee in slamming the ball at Mom, so when he challenged me to a set I was only too happy to give him a taste of his own medicine.  At one point I was worried that I might be getting a little too rough on him and took a look over at Mom and was relieved to see that she was enjoying the ass-whooping as much as I was.  That guy never reappeared.

Anyway, it was fascinating for me to see that adults struggled with life, that they didn’t have it all figured out.  We couldn’t help but learn that lesson because Mom assumed we were mature enough to engage in dialog and did so without abdicating her parental responsibilities.  Mom did her fair share of dictating, of saying "You will do this", but she also did a great job of asking for our opinions, of actually listening to our thoughts and explaining to us why they were either valid or total horseshit.  She never pretended to have all the answers and legitimately wanted our input on family matters and in return she earned our respect.  She gave us a lot of rope, much more than most of our friends and for the most part we showed our respect for her by not hanging ourselves too many times.

And of course Mom taught us toughness.  She blazed a lot of new trails in her day, being the first woman to do this or that and never being afraid to make bold decisions if it meant progress whether professional or personal.  A couple of stories exemplify that.

One Sunday Mom had a job interview set up that would really be a boost to her career.  She was reviewing materials, getting ready for the interview when she got a call from my best friend’s mom saying that I’d just been bitten by a dog while my buddy and I were delivering the Sunday paper.  When she saw the wound Mom almost passed out (it was a very bad bite), but she still managed to review her materials in the emergency room, do the interview later that afternoon and then get the job.

A couple of years later, I was 15, we were living in another townhouse and one Friday night I was at home with Russ when there was a knock on the door.  When I looked out the window I saw a young lady who lived in the townhouse next to ours bleeding profusely on our stoop and begging me to let her in to call the police.  I let her in and about 30 seconds later there was another knock and this time it was a guy in a suit.  He asked to talk to the young lady and convinced her to not call the police.  It ends up the girls that lived next door were call girls and the guy was a "client."  I was quite enthralled by the situation but like an idiot I told Mom about it and within a month we’d moved.  Like I said, she made bold moves.

Then there was Mom’s attempt to do the "facts of life" talk with me.  Unfortunately for her she was a year or two too late, and she was miserable during the whole conversation, but I appreciated the effort.  Now that I have a 12-year old daughter I’m horrified at the prospect of having that same conversation and can truly appreciate the guts Mom had.

Mom has now graduated to Gram status and she is unabashedly adored by my kids even as they enter their teenage years.  Heck, they think she’s cool which is better than I’m doing.  An even greater testament to her is that our household doesn’t suffer from mother-in-law-itis.  Celeste loves her and our only stress is the same we experience whenever we have anyone visit; we’re moderate slobs, our kids are massive slobs and cleaning up the palace can be excruciating. (For what it’s worth I think the world of Celeste’s mom too so we truly are free of mother-in-law-itis here).

Most people who know Mom know about her academic success (graduated 1st in her class from Wake Forest and earned a Masters from NC State) and her professional success (first woman to run a very high profile non-profit with a member base that at the time was 99% male) and I’m sure they suspect she did as well in her personal life.  Well, I want everyone to know that as far as I’m concerned her job with me and Russ was her finest accomplishment and I only hope that I can live up to the standard she’s set. 

Thankfully I’ve had as many years with Mom as an adult as I had as a child.  Of course I have always loved her, but it has only been over the last 15 years that I’ve been able realize what a remarkable person she is.  Now my love and respect for her is beyond my ability to describe it so I’ll simply say thanks for everything Mom and Happy Birthday.